What it looked like.
I told my wife about my day as though she were my boss. What I had done, what I had fixed, how much I had carried. She had not asked.
What I was really asking.
Validation. I wanted her to say “well done” so that I could feel I was enough. A report is a way of asking for a verdict. She was not my manager. She was not marking me. I had made her the judge without telling her.
Why we do it.
A lot of us learned that a man’s worth is what he produces. Work gave us a score every day. At home there is no score, so we make one, and we keep it for her to read. If you have ticked the boxes on the scoreboard check, this is where it comes from.
Worth that waits for her to say it.
If your worth depends on her saying “well done”, you have handed her something that belongs to you, and she cannot give it back. She can be glad of what you did and it still will not be enough. Not because she is hard to please. Because the hole is not the size of her praise.
Sharing is not reporting.
“Here is my day, I want you to know me” is sharing. “Here is my day, please approve” is reporting. The words can be identical. The asking underneath is what she feels.
Observer Flow, in four moves
1 Observe→2 Name it→3 Thank it→4 Return
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “She has not noticed what I did.” The feeling in your body: a tight chest, restless hands, a lift of energy as the list forms. The urge: to tell her, now, everything you did today.
Example. Observe: a tight chest, and the urge to list what I did. Name it: that is wanting to be seen. Thank it: you want to matter to her. Return: I ask about her day, and I listen to the end.
Try one thing today
Tonight, ask her about her day and listen to the whole answer before you say a word about yours.
Five ways to stop reporting.
Catch the pull before you start the list.
You will feel it rise. Pause and ask yourself: what am I asking for?
Why: Seeing the urge is most of the work. It loses its grip once you can see it.
Ask yourself: report or share?
A share tells her something about you. A report asks her to mark it.
Why: The same words can be either. She feels the asking underneath.
Ask about her day first.
Then listen without turning it back to yours.
Why: It moves you from scoring to meeting.
Give yourself the well done.
At the end of the day, say it to yourself: I did enough today. Out loud if you can.
Why: If you can say it, you do not need her to.
Say what you need, straight.
“I had a hard day and I would like you to know” is honest. “Look at everything I did” is a request for marks.
Why: Asking straight is braver than asking sideways.