UbUMade redundantWhy it hurts
Made redundant · Why it hurts
It isn’t the money. It’s who you thought you were.
Why redundancy hits so hard, what is going on underneath, and what to do with the feelings.
A job is more than a wage.
It is where you go, what you say when someone asks what you do, and who needs you on a Monday. Take it away and you do not just lose an income. You lose the place you were standing. I lost mine in a 23-minute meeting.
Identity is the sentence you finish about yourself.
“I am a…” For a lot of men the first word after that is the job. When the job goes, the sentence has nothing to finish with. That is why it feels like losing yourself, not like losing work. You did not lose your job. You lost the person your job told you that you were.
Why the breadwinner part cuts deepest.
Underneath the job sits another role: the one who provides. The message I grew up with was: you provide, or you’ve failed. Nobody says it as a rule. It just runs in the background, and when the pay stops, the rule says it is your fault. It is not. A business cut a role. That is a fact about the business.
The feelings, and they come at once.
Shock. Shame. Anger. Fear. A flat, grey nothing. Sometimes relief, followed by guilt about the relief. Many men go straight to fixing, because fixing is easier than feeling. In the first weeks I caught my mind trying to solve the problem before I had even felt it. None of this makes you weak. All of it is what a person does when the ground moves.
Observer Flow, in four moves
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “I should have seen it coming.” The feeling in your body: a tight chest, a hot face, a heavy stomach. The urge: to fix it, to shout, to scroll, to hide.
Example. Observe: my chest is tight, I keep thinking I should have seen it coming, and I want to start fixing things. Name it: that is shame, and the Warrior wanting to act. Thank it: you are trying to protect me. Return: I put the phone down and stay in the room with my family. You are not the feeling. You are the one noticing it, and that small gap is where you get your choice back.
Try one thing today
Say one feeling out loud, in one word. Not a sentence. One word: “shame”, “angry”, “scared”, “flat”.
What to do with the feelings.
Name it in one word, out loud.
Try “I notice I feel ______” and fill the gap.
Why: A feeling with a name is usually smaller than one with none.
Say the true sentence to one person.
“I got made redundant and I’m rattled.” I rang my wife from the car park. She was steady. That was enough.
Why: Carrying it alone is most of what makes it heavy.
Write “I am…” without the job.
Ten endings. Father, friend, the one who makes people laugh, whatever is true. Keep the list.
Why: It shows you how much of you is still here.
Move for ten minutes.
Walk round the block. You do not need a plan or a kit.
Why: Feelings are physical. They need somewhere to go.
Know when to get more help.
If the heavy feeling will not lift, or you have stopped doing the things you normally do, speak to your GP or refer yourself for talking therapy. See the box below.
Why: Asking for help early is a decision, not a defeat.
If it is heavier than this
Samaritans: call free on 116 123, any time. CALM, for men: 0800 58 58 58, 5pm to midnight, every day. You can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies, free, if you are registered with a GP. If you are in danger right now, call 999. I am not a therapist or a doctor.