UbUFatherhoodBeing present
Fatherhood · Being present
They won’t be this little for long.
How to be in the short stretch you get, enjoy it, and switch off the phone and the inbox. You do not have to give them everything.
It is a short window.
The bath-times, the “carry me”, the questions about everything. They last a few years, then they are gone, and nobody sends a notice. Some of it is hard. Some of it is the best thing you will ever do. Both are true. I did not choose my year at home. I would not swap it.
You do not have to give them everything.
You can put the guilt down. You do not have to give your children everything they want, and you do not have to be able to. What they want most is you: there, paying attention, listening. That is not the consolation prize. It is the thing itself, and it is where your worth as a father sits. It is not in what you buy or how much you earn.
Giving a child everything they ask for is not good for them. It teaches them that love comes in the shape of stuff, and that no is a crisis. What is good for them is knowing, without a doubt, that you are there. Being present, mindful and listening does that, and it costs nothing.
Being present is mostly attention.
Children do not need an entertainer. They need your attention, even for twenty minutes. The phone in your pocket takes it without you noticing. They notice.
It is meant to be fun for you too.
This is not a duty to get through. Being present is meant to be enjoyable for you as well. Building the den, splashing in the puddle, being silly: this is the good part, and it is allowed to be the good part. If you are bored, grim and counting the minutes, they feel that too. If you are laughing, so are they. So play. Be a bit daft. You will enjoy it more than you expect.
Free things to do, and enjoy
- The park, a puddle, the duck pondOutside beats any plan.
- A den from cushions and blanketsTen minutes to build, an hour of use.
- Cook something togetherMess included.
- The libraryBooks for nothing, and many run free story and rhyme sessions.
- A walk with no destinationLet them choose the turns.
- Draw or paint with what is in the cupboardNo plan, no grade.
Try one thing today
Put your phone in another room for the first hour after nursery or school. Be there for that one hour.
How to switch off, be there, and enjoy it.
Phone in another room, one fixed hour a day.
Not face down. Not on silent in your pocket. Another room.
Why: Willpower loses to a buzzing pocket. Distance wins.
Turn off notifications you do not need.
Use Do Not Disturb or Focus for the hours that are theirs.
Why: Every buzz is a small pull away from the room.
Check email at set times.
Twice a day, not every ten minutes.
Why: Checking the inbox is how a lot of us avoid feeling things.
Get on the floor.
Eye level. See what they see.
Why: It changes what you notice.
Follow them for ten minutes.
Let them choose the game. Do not fix it or improve it.
Why: Your attention is the gift. The direction is theirs.
Join in properly, and have fun.
Do the silly voice. Jump in the puddle. Lose the game on purpose.
Why: It is meant to be fun for you too. They can tell the difference between you being there and you putting in time.
Finish one thing together.
A drawing, a meal, a den.
Why: You both get a small win.
Say no kindly, and stay.
When they ask for the toy, the sweets or the next thing, you can say “Not today” and then sit with them for the disappointment. Listen to it.
Why: The no is fine. Being left alone with it is what hurts. Staying is the gift.
Drop the guilt about what you cannot buy.
When you notice the guilt, ask what they actually asked for. Mostly it is “watch me” and “play with me”.
Why: Guilt sends you after things. Presence is already enough.
When your mind drifts to work, catch it.
That is the Warrior wanting something to fix. Name it, thank it, come back to the floor.
Why: You will drift. Coming back is the practice.