What a nervous system is, in plain words.
Your nervous system is the part of you that reads, faster than thought, whether you are safe. It sets your heart rate, your voice, whether you want to talk or go quiet, whether you move towards someone or away. It was shaped by how you grew up and what you have been through. It is not a character flaw and it is not a choice. Two people have two of them.
Two systems in one house.
Under pressure some of us speed up: louder, quicker, more words, fix it now. Some of us slow down: quieter, flatter, need space first. Neither is wrong. Put them in one house and each can look like a threat to the other.
That was us.
When she went quiet, I got louder. She needed quiet to feel safe. I needed her to talk to feel safe. Each of us was protecting ourselves in a way that stopped the other feeling safe. Neither of us was wrong. Both of us were alone in the same room.
The tension was mine.
Her behaviour set off tension in me. It took me a long time to see that the tension was mine to look after. Her behaviour was her system doing its job. It was not a message about me, and it was not an attack.
A word of care.
This is a way of describing what happens between two people. It is not a diagnosis, and it is not an excuse for how either of you behaves. I am not a therapist.
Observer Flow, in four moves
1 Observe→2 Name it→3 Thank it→4 Return
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “She is shutting me out.” The feeling in your body: a tight chest, a faster heartbeat, a louder voice coming. The urge: to push, to fill the silence, to make her answer.
Example. Observe: she goes quiet, my chest tightens, and I want to push. Name it: that is fear of being shut out. Thank it: you want us close. Return: I give her an hour and say when we will talk.
Try one thing today
Tonight, ask her: “What helps you when you are stressed, and what do you need from me?” Then answer the same question yourself.
Five ways to learn her system.
Ask what helps her.
And tell her what helps you. Not in the middle of a row.
Why: You cannot work with what you have not been told.
Watch what each of you does under stress.
Louder or quieter? Closer or further away? Note it for a week.
Why: A pattern you have seen is a pattern you can step out of.
Give space, with a time to come back.
“I will give you an hour. Can we talk after tea?”
Why: Space with an end feels like care. Space without one feels like leaving.
Slow your own body first.
Breathe out for longer than you breathe in. Drop your shoulders. Lower your voice.
Why: A calm body is the quickest signal of safety you can send.
Do not try to change her system.
Learn it, the way you would learn a language. Let her learn yours.
Why: Trying to fix her is the Warrior wanting something to fix.
If it is heavier than this: Relate: 0300 100 1234. Samaritans, any time: 116 123. If you are frightened of your partner, the Men’s Advice Line is for you: 0808 8010 327, weekdays. If anyone is in danger, call 999. All helplines →