UbUFatherhoodWhy it is hard
Fatherhood · Why it is hard
Little people. Big feelings.
Why the small things set you off, and what helps in the moment.
Their feelings are big and their brakes are small.
Young children cannot yet manage what they feel. They cry, scream, refuse, go limp. It is not a campaign against you. It is a small person with a big feeling and no brakes. It is exhausting anyway.
Why it gets to you.
It is the same thing, again, all day, on little sleep, with no break. And it is almost never about the shoe. It is the small thing landing on top of everything you were already carrying. That was my Sunday.
Anger is a feeling. It is not you.
My daughter Kyra, three years old, looked at me and said: “Anger is a feeling, Daddy. It’s not you.” She already knew. I put it in the book because she was right.
Observer Flow, in four moves
1 Observe→2 Name it→3 Thank it→4 Return
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “She is doing this on purpose.” The feeling in your body: a tight jaw, heat in your chest, a raised voice. The urge: to shout, to give in, to leave the room.
Example. Observe: my jaw is tight, my voice is rising, and I want it to stop. Name it: that is anger, and tired. Thank it: you want to protect the morning. Return: I get down to her level, lower my voice, and say what happens next.
Try one thing today
Next time you feel your voice rising, look at their face before you say the next word.
What helps in the moment.
Look at their face before the next word.
My daughter cried and wanted to stay. Her face was the gap. I held her and said we would stay ten more minutes. She settled at once.
Why: The face tells you what the behaviour is really about.
Get down to their level and lower your voice.
Kneel. Quieter, not louder.
Why: A quiet voice slows both of you down.
Say what happens next.
“Two more minutes, then shoes.”
Why: Small children cope better with a warning than a surprise.
Hold the boundary, soften how you hold it.
The boundary was right. How I held it could have been calmer.
Why: You can be firm and kind in the same sentence.
Check the boring causes first.
Hungry. Tired. Bored. Too many people. Too long indoors.
Why: Most meltdowns have an ordinary reason.
Take thirty seconds if you need them.
Step back, breathe out slowly, then go back in. If you cannot be safe and calm, put them somewhere safe and take a minute.
Why: You cannot lead a calm moment from a hot head.
Repair it out loud.
In the car I told the girls I had been angry and should have handled it better.
Why: They learn that mistakes can be mended. That is worth more than being perfect.
If it is heavier than this: Family Lives, for parenting: 0808 800 2222. Samaritans, any time: 116 123. If you ever feel you might hurt your child, put them somewhere safe and ring someone now. If anyone is in danger, call 999. All helplines →